On this first day of 2016 I went to pick up all my skiing equipment. Both cross country, alpine, park and freeride skis are finally home. It’s kind of a big deal to me to bring them home, because it means I finally believe that I will be able to use them again.
The whole 2014/2015 season went by without me as much as putting on my skiboots. I didn’t even consider it, as I felt there was no way it would be any use in trying them on when I knew I wouldn’t be using them again. I know, negativity never does any good, but I lost the last drop of hope when I, after recovering from my surgery, found myself back at the hospital unable to stand up straight or even just lie on my side. I spent the whole winter and spring of 2015 on my back in bed, and felt I was never going to get out of there. But I still somehow fought to get back up because even though I didn’t believe there would be any progress, I just didn’t feel I could give up and lie down to die just because of some back injury. I felt I at least owed it to everyone around me to give it a real go. And during the summer I saw some results and progress that motivated me to keep going. I was able to walk further, I was able to recognise when I was pushing it too far early enough to not be set back too far, and I started to feel a bit more in control over my thoughts and reactions when I was having a bad day.
Late summer I climbed my first mountain again. It was a slow hike up a small local mountain, but still, I was on my way back. Back to the mountains and back to myself. I remember before starting the hike, I tried to imagine the feeling it would give me when I finally reached the top. I imagined it to be a huge feeling of relief and victory. A feeling that would make me want to roar and sing out loud words of joy. It wasn’t. It was even better. I felt calm, at home, at peace.
Fall has been hard, but has still given me promise. I had some rough weeks before I found sort of a balance between being active enough to get progress and getting enough rest. If I don’t get enough rest, my body gives me a beating, so I’ve learned to listen more to avoid that. The last few weeks I’ve been thinking about how important it is for me to play on the same team as my body instead of being disappointed that my body doesn’t seem to play on the same team as me. It has to be a team effort, and I can’t look at body and mind as two separate things. It is a whole, and I need to treat it that way.
During fall I also started work again. It has in many ways been my one focus, the most important thing for me to accomplish last year. Looking back, I regret spending so much time focusing on getting back to work in stead of focusing on getting back to myself. Work is important to earn a living, and it gives me a sense of purpose in the way that I contribute to society, but it doesn’t make me happy. What makes me happy is spending quality time with my wife and son, taking my dog for long walks, spending time outside, feeling calm and at peace, getting creative with my camera or my pencils, standing on a mountaintop with skis on my feet getting ready for some pow. So in 2016 I’m going to do things differently.
- I’m going to listen more. Both to my body and to those that are important to me.
- I’m going to prioritize the things that gives me energy in stead of those which steals it.
- I’m going to be my own best friend and cut the negativity. Maybe even cut myself some slack and don’t demand perfection all the time.