I’m sharing an abstract today.
It’s no secret that the last few years has had me thinking a lot about what I want life to be. I haven’t been depressed, but I have been thinking a lot because I had to stop and do things differently to be able to function with the back injury and everything that followed. Because my life changed without me wanting it to. And what I’ve found is that most of the time I don’t feel alive anymore. I’m merely existing.
My main concern nowadays is to make sure that I’m able to get to work the next day. To be able to do that I have to make sure that I don’t do anything that makes my back too tired. Because that leads to pain and dizziness, which leads to nausea. In order to make sure that I keep on the right side of the line I have to rest enough. And I have to make sure I don’t do too many things in one day. For instance; I can go for an hours walk after work most days, but I can never both do that and sit through dinner at a friends house. Or I can sit through dinner at my in laws, but then I won’t be able to join my wife and son for a short bike ride that same day. I can go to work or blog, but not both on the same day, because they both mean sitting in front of the computer. So I write all my posts Saturday and Sunday and post them through the week. I can work out with my redcords for an hour, but not on the same day that I’m supposed to go shopping or to a cafe. I’m not ever able to take care of my son for an evening. Because after playing with him for an hour and maybe changing his diaper, my back is killing me and I have to rest. And a 19 month old doesn’t wait for mum to rest before he wants to run outside or climb on the sofa. Thank god, he shouldn’t have to.
My second concern is not to tell anyone that it feels like shit. Or that I’m fucking tired of not having anyone but my wife to talk to about the fact that it feels like shit. No-one wants to hear that. I’m supposed to be all positive all the time, and believe me I’m trying. But I hate existing like this. I hate spending most nights and quite a fair amount of time during weekends on the sofa. I hate being a burden to my wife. I hate not being able to live the life I had planned for. I hate being alone when my wife needs to take care of herself and/or our son. I hate feeling that the only thing that matters is that I’m able to go to work every day.
So what is it that I need to feel more alive?
I need more quality time with my wife and son. I need to spend more time in nature, not just every now and then, but every single day. I need to do the things I’m passionate about. Like photography, biking, skiing or hiking. I need to spend time with other people. Preferably friends. I need to be all alone with my weird thoughts, but I also need to share them with someone who doesn’t think they’re all that weird. I need to see places and meet people that inspires me. I need to be in contact with my body and feel that it works instead of trying to ignore it. I need to feel like less of a burden by getting positive feedback on the things I’m actually still able to do. I need to feel like I’m not the only one who thinks it’s important for me to be able to prioritise something else than getting ready for the next day at the office.
I can see a way out. But it’s blurred. And fragile. And I’m not sure on where to start. I’m feeling a bit frustrated and it’s all a bit chaotic with a lot of ifs and buts. So I’m sharing an abstract today.